Holy F*CK!

I HATE CANE SPIDERS! They are the one thing about Hawaii that I hate. At the condo we lived in when we first moved here, we saw them all the time. It was near a more tropical area and they were freaking abundant. I saw one the very first night we were here. I had just flown in with Eve and gotten into the condo. I went into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, looked left, and there it was. I called CRH to immediately come and kill it. The only reason I was able to sleep that night was because I was exhausted from flying across the country.
A few days later I was getting Eve ready to go to the pool in her bathroom. She moved the tissue box and one crawled (I should say raced or jumped...because that's how they move) out from behind it. He raced across the bathroom as I was screaming and shrieking and trying to spray it with Raid. He finally ended up in the shower and since the Raid wasn't killing him, I drowned his ass. I was shaking (literally) by the time it was over. I went to the pool and called my parents to process this horror. CRH was working this time. We saw a few more...I won't regale you with all the tales, but you get the drift that it's traumatic...really traumatic. I am NOT a spider person at ALL.
Since moving to Laie, I have not seen another of these horrible creatures. The Mormons must not allow them here...until today. I just put Eve down to bed and I was headed into the garage to change out the laundry. I opened the door and there was a motherf*ckin cane spider. OMG...I almost died. Once again, CRH is not home to kill this monster. I slammed the door, grabbed the Raid (forgetting that Raid doesn't even really stun them!), and opened it back. I started spraying the crap out of this LARGE thing. The trade winds are up tonight, so I was essentially spraying Raid all over the place. The spider is running and jumping...at one point he almost came into the house. I'm in a tank top and my underwear (I tell you this for the visual of the entire scene only) screaming expletives at the spider while shrieking "Die MF!". He's not dying...I'm spraying and spraying...finally he's hanging on to the house by one leg. I think I mostly drowned him in Raid. Then I started beating him with a shoe...hard. He finally died. I threw his carcass into the front flower bed as a warning to others.
When I came back inside shaking and swearing, Eve emerged to check on me. We discussed what had happened and that it was dead. I have now started to drink. Here's a picture some idiot took (I don't let them live long enough to photograph once spotted for fear it will eat me) so that you can see I exaggerate NOT at all when I tell you these things are the size of my palm...seriously.